But now, thanks to the miracle of the internet, with just a few keystrokes and clicks, someone can have his or her advertisement displayed for the whole world to see, pictures included.

I didn’t have this in mind when I tried to sell my buddy’s 1976 Yamaha XT500 on the internet using the Off-Road.com free classified ads. Response was immediate, and after the usual screwball emails from ex-presidents of Nigeria, people who wanted to trade for cows, lawn furniture, and kidneys, I received this email:

Hello,
My name is CARL MONTELL I'm highly intersted in your advert. Are you the rightful owner? Did you have all the paper work and the receipt of phurchase for documentation? what is your last asking price and the present condition?

Preffered method of payment is CERTIFIED BANK CHECK OR CASHIER'S CHECK in AMERICAN $. Don't include the shipping charges.

The shipping cost will be my own responsibility. I'll be expecting your mail soonest. Send pics if also avilable.

Pls reply today.
Cheers
CARL MONTELL

Well. That looked promising. Since I had 4 bikes in the free ads I replied:

Which bike are you inquiring about? The XT500? DT2? CL350? DT1MX?

Most of the time I’m pretty leery of a response to an advertisement that doesn’t go into specifics about the item in question. One would figure if a person is interested in something, they’d ask about it instead of discussing the payment details first. This guy was jumping the gun. That should have been red flag number one.

Carl Montell <carlmontell02@yahoo.com> wrote:

Hello,

Thanks for the info you gave me. its really my chioce. Its what i have been searching for for the last 6 months.Thanks for everything. Pls help me take good proper care of it cos i belive by now its mine.But right now in the year i can see that i finanaly got one.

Really i want you to pls send more pics if available and if not its ok.Also i will offer u $100 addition for that and all i needed is ur assurance that is mine as from now. am higly eager in seeing it. pls dont respond to anybody again on this BIKE cos i believe I am the rightful owner now. About the shipping, i will handle that myself. i shall contact my shipping agent to handle it.

The payment is with a certified cashiers check which i believe is the best way. so convenient for me and if u are ok with that, get back to me today

so that i could get the payment ready. I'm from Bronby, i live by the sea side in The Republic of Denmark cos am a SAILOR. I always come home (Bronby) every 4 Months and travel back to my place of work in Porto.

I am really glad that you want me to get the BIKE and i will be happy also when i actually get it.Pls email me back today.

I'll need your data for the check, viz;

FULL NAME..
CONTACT ADDRESS..
CITY..
STATE...
ZIP CODE..
PHONE NUMBER... (HOME,OFFICE,CELL)

Pls mail me today to let me know i am the rightful owner of this BIKE XT500!

Thanks for selling to me.

Cheers
Carl Montell

Again, Carl wasn’t asking about the bike, asking what condition it was in, nothing a “normal” buyer would do. I started getting suspicious. But what the hell, I thought Carl might be frequenting too many cannabis bars in his native Denmark, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I wrote back:

Unfortunately certified drafts from Denmark (even if in USD) are not negotiable in US banks. The best way is to go to Western Union (there are lots in Denmark) and wire the cash to me. When I have received the funds the motorcycle and ownership documents will be released to your freight forwarder for export.

Here's the information:

Matthew Cuddy
#### N. #### Street
Burbank, Ca 91505
(818) ***-**** Home
(818) ***-**** Cell

Please advise if this is acceptable and we'll continue.

Best regards,
Matt Cuddy

I didn’t hear anything from Mr. Montell for a few days and forgot about the whole deal. Then I got this in my in-box:

Hello Matt,

Thanks for the information.i will want you to know that the check is be issued in USA and it will take 3 to 5 working days to clear in your bank so i will want you to forward your payment details like the name and address that will be written on the check so i can forward it to my creditor to issue payment at once.

Kindest Regards,
Carl Montell

Over the next few weeks, “Carl” bombarded my email with thank you notes, pledges of commitment, and obsequious greetings to my family and ancestors for selling him the XT. I was actually buying it, and in my minds eye, could see him trundling down some cobblestone street in Copenhagen on the XT, wearing wooden clogs.

Since “Carl” and a few others had been interested in the bike, I’d been cleaning up the mighty XT over the last few days. After I was done, I’d sit there beer in hand, and just stare at it. Stare at the sano Jack Hateley motor, the early Works Performance shocks with finned bodies. The giant polished aluminum skid plate.

This was a state of the art 4 stroke in 1976. Jack himself had filleted the head, and CR Axtel made the intake manifold. A 38mm pumper DelOrto. Big valves, bronze valve guides and a Megacycle cam. White Bros pipe. Hell, I just might buy it myself…

Then, as if on queue another email from Carl arrived:

Hello Dear,

How is you and your family this Morning?Hope all is well with you guys over there. i will want you to confirm if you have receive the check or not.bcos you have suppose to have receive the check so please confirm once again if you have receive it not.

Kindest Regards,
Carl Montell

These email exchanges had been going on for about three weeks, and I doubted if we were ever going to receive anything. I hadn’t got any more email from “Carl” and dismissed the whole deal as some kind of scam gone wrong.

A week later, a mysterious brown envelope with odd postmarks on it (and no return address) was slipped into my mailbox after the regular mail had arrived. Was this the long awaited payment from Carl? An envelope full of anthrax? Fan mail from some flounder?

I carefully opened the envelope and looked inside. Wow, a cashier check drawn against the Chase Bank of Denver Colorado! And for seventy five hundred dollars, $5,500 more than the asking price! Could this be too good to be true?

Not believing my eyes I held the check up to the dim afternoon light for scrutiny. It was obviously a phony, printed on a malfunctioning laser color printer, and cut uneven with jagged scissor marks. Looked like a 6th grade art project.

Again I replied to Carl:

No Carl, I haven’t received anything yet. Did you send it via air mail? Maybe next time use certified mail or an international courier service.

Matt

Carl sent an email right away. He sounded tense:

Hello Mat,

Do I have your right information? I your payment please once again name and address that will be written on the check so i can forward it to my creditor to issue payment again.

Carl Montell

A week later I got another phony check, this time sent via air mail with lots of expensive stamps on the envelope. Told Carl I didn’t get that one either…

This went on for about another month until I had a stack of phony checks an inch thick. I tabulate all the postage to be at least fifty bucks from wherever Carl lives. Nice stamps though. I’m thinking of starting a collection.

If you’re reading this Carl, I still didn’t get the replacement check(s). And if you send another one, please use that rectangle blue stamp with Queen Elizabeth holding a scepter as postage. Those are cool.